It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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