i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
