I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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