I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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