Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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