and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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