I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
don't judge my taste in strippers
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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