Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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