I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
third nipple confirmed
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
