There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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