We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
