i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
