He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
