Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
