It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
