Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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