Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my sisters under your porch take her home
only if we run a train.
done.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
