She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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