Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe he injected his testicle?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Pooping to opera.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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