So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
