I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
