Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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