so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
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fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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