my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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