Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Let's paint friendship bongs
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
