woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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