if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I'm really busy with my period
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