If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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