I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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