not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
