I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
