someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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