I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS