The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night