put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
