Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
