Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
