you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
