I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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