The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
