and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
