the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
