you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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