it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
