Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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