Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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