when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
