You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
