And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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