man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
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Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
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You cant use biscuit as a chaser
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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