i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
