The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
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Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
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Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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