Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
