I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
