In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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