the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
