it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
